


Pretense

by eanard



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Insecurities, M/M, Self Harm, University AU, no blood whatsoever, though it's not cutting, yixing centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 12:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10465152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eanard/pseuds/eanard
Summary: It's something he does. It's not healthy. It's not okay. It's not something he should do to himself. But it's better than letting waterfalls escape from his eyes.Self harm.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was hearing exo's ballads and osts and also was feeling pretty down when I started this.
> 
> "I want to be a star that protects you"

Yixing is nice. He's patient. He's friendly. And even though he's in a foreign country, he tries his best to adapt. He works hard on anything and everything he does, helping everyone without hesitation.

 

Everybody believes he never gets mad, or that at least he handles frustration pretty well. But they don't know the truth. They just accept the smiling Yixing, the gentle Yixing, the fake Yixing. Over the years he's become better at building a forte, a wall around him that protects all his insecurities and hides the atrocities of his personality. He's not a good person. But what can he do when he's always expected to be the nice one? So, he creates a facade, an image of someone like himself, but far better than who he actually is and will ever be.

 

He hates himself for being like this. For being petty, envious, pitiful, insecure. He loves Jongin, he loves dancing with him. It's fun. But at the end of the day, there's always going to be that tinge of envy, of resentment, of hate. He mustn't be good enough. Jongin's always going to be the best, always surpassing him, never allowing Yixing to taste what it's like to be the main dancer, to get the most praise from their teachers.

 

Sometimes he gets tired of this facade, of this whole farce he's created. Sometimes his feelings get to him. Jongin and Sehun got the lead roles for the musical. Chanyeol won first place on the campus' songwriting competition, Yixing standing on second place. He smiles in front of them, congratulates them quickly and then excuses himself. He runs towards his dorm, his vision getting blurry. He hates crying. He hates feeling the tears tainting his cheeks. There's also that feeling inside his throat, suffocating him. He's getting dizzy, almost trips. As soon as he gets inside his room and makes sure his door is closed, lock in place, he sits in the bed. Then he punches his face. Once. Twice. He gulps. Three times. It's silent, the only sound coming from the collision between his fist and his now slowly reddening right cheek.

 

It's something he does. It's not healthy. It's not okay. It's not something he should do to himself. But it's better than letting waterfalls escape from his eyes. He prefers the sting he gets from physical pain a million times over the harm his emotions cause on him.

 

Baekhyun asks him the next day.  _Why are you wearing a face mask? It's spring_. He waves it off, telling his friend he has a cold. The younger one believes him, then starts telling Yixing about a new video game. No one question's Yixing's answers. Everyone genuinely believes he's down with a cold, and that he's wearing a mask to protect himself from germs and to protect others from acquiring his illness. He doesn't know if to laugh or scream.

 

To his friends, to everyone, to the world, he's still the smiling, gentle Yixing.

 

He shouldn't be like this. Especially now that he has Junmyeon. The first time he discovered Yixing in mid-punching session, the older man ran to him and stopped his fist, holding his arm to his chest before it clashed against his cheek. At that very moment, Yixing thought he'd fucked up. Junmyeon had seen. Junmyeon had seen what a sick abnormal human being he was. Thoughts ran around his head, panicking. He was going to leave him. Junmyeon was going to leave him. After three months of dating, he was going to leave him. Who would like to be with such a mess? Yixing had the urge to punch himself again. He should have remembered to lock the door.

 

However, Junmyeon didn't leave him, he didn't flinch away in disgust. He hugged him, arms wrapping around his waist, holding on tightly. That's probably the only time Yixing didn't try to stop his tears, hugging back equally as tight. Why did he think Junmyeon would leave him? He’s known Junmyeon for over a year now. The boy was actually sweet, caring; not like Yixing, who only pretended.

 

At first he`d been a threat. Everyone was warming up to him because the senior was sweet. Sehun already thought of him as a brother between a week , something that took Yixing months. It took him months to grow closer to the younger boy during classes. It made his stomach sick. Junmyeon was actually sweet, not a farce like himself. He was actually a good person. And, honestly, it was scary. Maybe they were going to replace him, maybe Yixing was going to end up being replaced in his group of friends, forgotten, unimportant, his original title as the caring one taken away.

 

And yet. With all the indifference he gave the older boy, Junmyeon still found a way to charm him all the same.

 

Soon enough, his smiles became endearing. Yixing looked forwards meeting him everyday. Looked forward to hear his terrible jokes, (that were cringy, but surprisingly made him laugh) looked forward hearing about his day, looked forward for late night text sessions that went well past midnight. Junmyeon definitely sneaked inside his heart, swiftly and with precision. Yixing always felt weak, vulnerable, exposed, when the older boy was around. He made him feel less insecure, made him feel alive. When they started dating it felt like a dream. The older was surreal, ethereal. Every time Yixing saw him he associated those words with the shorter boy. His lips were soft, his hugs were warm, his presence reassuring. And his hands, his hands were beautiful, slim long fingers and knuckles that Yixing loved to pamper with kisses.

 

Even before they became a couple, Junmyeon always worried when Yixing showed up with a face mask. The senior would tell him to take better care of his health, to strengthen his body. _How can a twenty year old be so weak? I’ll buy some vitamins for you, wait here._ He felt guilt creep up inside him every time Junmyeon brought him medicine, every time he made him soup, saying he’ll get better once he drinks it. He lied to everyone, but lying to Junmyeon was harder. Lying to such a sincere boy was extremely hard.

 

Looking backwards, why did he ever think Junmyeon would leave him? Why was he so insecure? Junmyeon loved him. And he proved that by staying. Staying by his side that night, the both of them cuddled up in Yixing’s bed, Junmyeon caressing his head, kissing his forehead.

 

He dropped his arm, fist still clenched, cheek still burning. He took out his phone from his bag and called Junmyeon.

 

“Hi Xing”

“Can you come over. I...I did it again. Sorry.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Wait for me okay?”

“Okay”

  
It's something he does. It's not healthy. It's not okay. It's not something he should do to himself. But he’s not alone anymore, he has someone to rely onto now. He’ll get through it. Yixing will overcome it. Junmyeon will be there for him, holding his hand tightly.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if there were some errors.


End file.
